meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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