Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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