Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
