you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
