afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
