U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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