I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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