I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
