i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
