i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
