maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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