listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
