I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
