Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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