The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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