My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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