Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
