dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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