Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
