operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
