I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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