And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
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a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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