You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
