My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
