took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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