I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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