HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dear god my vagina.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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