My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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