Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We got so high we made milksteak
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
