goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
