just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
