I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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