Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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