I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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