Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
