My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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