I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
