I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you didnt know i had herpes?
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
