i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
