if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How does one acquire holy water?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
