He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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