The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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