My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
