i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
