I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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