My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
