I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
