you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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