Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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