my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
