Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
