two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
