Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize