Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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