I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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