I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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