omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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